


Hangover Breakfast

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: Hangover, M/M, Morning After
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-18 08:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11287338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: The best part of being a pirate is living without consequence.Except you still have to. Alcohol may make you forget, but everyone else still remembers.





	1. Chapter 1

Normally the gentle rocking of the ship as the waves brushed against it was something that went completely unnoticed. It was like the salty sea air at this point, and it was more noticeable when it wasn't there. 

 

But normally he also didn't drink that much. Looking back on the bits of the night he remembered with a mostly sober mind, he had no idea what he was thinking last night. That was probably even too much booze for someone like Zoro or Nami, who could drink for hours and not even get a little tipsy. Yet there he was, from what little of he remembered from last night, drinking like he was going to drink the island dry. Why did he think that any of that was a good idea?

 

Needless to say, he was only mostly sure that this was his bed. Between the painfully obvious rocking of the ship, and what he was going to assume was going to be blindingly bright morning light sneaking in through the window, he didn't really want to open his eyes and check yet. There was a chance that if he were to open his eyes, his head might explode.

 

That being said, he almost wanted to do it to put himself out of his misery. He'd just work his way up to being fully awake. Opening his eyes was too big a step. He needed to think of something that was smaller. Maybe focus on what he was feeling, aside from the headache that felt like it might just split him in half with every breath he took.

 

He should probably do the first thing to do when you had a night with a lot of drinking, and you didn't remember most of it. It was something that he didn't want to do, because it required him to either move or open his eyes, and both of those seemed like losing battles to him. Moving his arm might not be the worst idea, because opening his eyes was still a long ways away.

 

The warmth of where his hand was, was immediately missed as it did a sweep if the bed next to him. It didn't take much time for him to accidentally pop his arm out of the blanket and compromised his entire situation and all the warmth in his blanket to escape. It was awful, but at least he was in the bed alone, and that there was mostly no chance of anyone else having been there.

 

Unless they left to go shower up already. A thought that just came to mind the same time most these thoughts did, right as he was starting to relax. It was times like these where he wished he could just not think of things and make it worse. He just wished he could turn off his brain a little. But at least there was one more way to check.

 

It was kinda hard to tell, but he was pretty sure he was wearing pants. That was the most important thing to check for here. Because no pants could mean a problem, and also meant that when he got up, he'd have to put on pants. But then again, Franky, Nami, and Robin have worn more revealing numbers. Underwear might be what he's checking for.

 

Carefully, as not to disturb his head further, he moved his hand downwards. He felt around the area carefully, before stopping. There wasn't really any energy left in him to put it back where it was. He'd just deal with the cold spot where he hand was. He had already destroyed the warm and comfy atmosphere that he had made for himself and only himself, and because if he brought it back he would probably die. At least he knew that he was in fact wearing something. It was probably pants, but what they were wasn't important. It met the criteria of leaving the cabin when it came to that. No one here would judge him for it.

 

Now that he was thinking about his crewmates, he couldn't help but think of something else that he had failed to take into account. He was on a ship in a bed, but that was all that he knew. He had yet to open his eyes and see what all was happening, but there was still that chance that after the party last night, he wandered onto the wrong ship before passing out. 

 

This ship felt to quiet to be his ship. Even if Luffy wasn't up and running around, he'd at least hear him snore, or have died of both embarrassment and from this headache from Luffy yelling "SPECIAL ATTACK, YOGURT STAR" when he check to see if he had bottoms on (even though there was in fact, none of that going on and Luffy was always too quick on the draw with that). Sure there was a chance that he passed out elsewhere but these were all really likely scenarios, and there'd be no way to know until he took matters into his own hands and checked it out for himself.

 

This was something far worse that his choice before, and that was pretty bad as his peace of mind came at the price of the warmth he had gathered through the night. This was going to hurt his head no matter which option he picked. It was either death by asking, or death by looking for himself. Both choices felt really bad.

 

Maybe he could just go by smell. Because it sure smelled like the boys' cabin on the Sunny. It had the pungent aroma of sweat, cigarettes, and stale farts that he had come to accept its permanence, though missing the days on the Merry when Nami and Robin kept it smelling at least a little neutral, if not a little like a bouquet of flowers dipped in sweat. 

 

He'd try to keep his mind off that thought, as the description he had just thought of was almost enough to make him barf. This was becoming an even more dangerous game as now he was thinking back to times he had been in other bunk rooms on ships, and now the almost tangible smell (that might've been mostly from his own hungover nausea) from their bunk room seemed inexcusable.

 

Marine ships had rules about cleanliness, and ghost ships weren’t maintained and were out at sea, so they smelled like mold, dust, and decay. He’d assume that Luffy and Zoro, who were the main culprits for the tangible stank, were pretty uncommon, even out at sea. He had no idea how they could go that long and not feel gross.

 

 

But him being on their ship did raise a lot more questions. Like what time was it, and why was it so quiet? Because even if he wasn't on the ship, Luffy would find his way back to the ship like some sort of bacon bloodhound the moment Sanji started cooking. 

 

So that meant this was probably before breakfast. He had solved that first mystery easy peasy.  The next problem was why did it feel like it was still light out? Did someone turn on the light after he stumbled in there, and forgot to turn it off? He was pretty sure that it was dark when he got there. He actually didn't remember getting back to the ship.

 

He was not the most reliable source for information on this. He was far too drunk last night to remember anything that happened at all. What was it about parties that made it so hard to stay sober? Why was it so hard to be a pirate and make good life choices? Why was it so hard to focus with a headache so bad he was either going to barf or his head was going to explode or both.

 

It was time for him to make another bad choice. One that he knew that he was going to instantly regret. One that was probably going to end in him going blind, because his luck was both the best luck, and the absolute worst. This was going to be the biggest gamble he was ever going to make hungover. But it had to be done or he was never going to know.

 

But did it actually matter what time it was? Life as a pirate wasn't one that was always going to follow a schedule. That would just be ridiculous. Pirates were about not following rules. And if breakfast did already happen, then Sanji would've kicked down the door to the cabin himself and made him eat. He was just an aggressively caring guy. It was kinda the Strawhat way.

 

He couldn't smell it either, but he didn't really have as strong a nose as Luffy or Chopper. He'd probably miss it anyways. His nose might've been big and beautiful, but it could barely hold a candle to those two when it came to smelling. He probably didn't have to worry about missing breakfast after all.

 

As always, right as he was getting used to the idea of just settling in, his brain had other plans for him. Instead of letting him sleep, it pulled up a memory from earlier that night. As part of the reward that the island got them for saving them in their time of need, they gave them some really nice looking bacon. 

 

How could he have forgotten that because it was a fight and a half getting it on the ship before the party and keeping it away from Luffy. It was locked away safely in the fridge, so they could safely party, and could all look forward to it the next morning for breakfast. But getting it there was the worst relay race he had ever been a part of. 

 

And it did look really good. Even as hungover as he was his stomach growled thinking of it. Now he had to know when breakfast was. There was only one way to find out. It was going to destroy him but he had to. This knowledge was going to cost him his eyes, but he had to do it. It was bound to happen eventually. He couldn't just go through life with his eyes closed. This fate was unavoidable. 

 

His eyes were lost no matter what he was going to do. He was stalling far too long. Every moment he kept his eyes shut, he was just avoiding his fate. He was going to just have to suck it up and be a man. A man that his father would only maybe be proud of, but still a man.

 

No mere light was going to stop him. He was the Great Captain Usopp. He was Sniper King. He was the sniper on the ship of the future king of the pirates. Nothing was going to stop him. He was a brave warrior of the sea. He wasn't going to let something as pathetic as light stop him!

 

With all the confidence befitting someone of his rank, he opened his eyes to face his enemy.

 

And then closed them immediately, doing his best to jolt away from the blinding source of light. Ending up dangling dangerously off the edge of his bunk and far from the warm spot where he was laying before. Blind and now freezing cold, he hung there weakly. 

 

By far one of the worst decisions he had ever made in his life. His eyes were closed and all he could see were spots of red and white assaulting his eyelids. It hurt both his eyes and his headache. The pain was so much he started gagging, which only made things worse for him. 

 

This was how he was going to die. Light was going to kill him. The only comforting thing that he had in his final moments on this earth was that one of the admirals had something to do with light. He was probably in good company with other brave warriors. Maybe it wasn't directly, but it seemed fitting that he'd be taken down by someone with as much status as a admiral. 

 

There was so much he wanted to still do. Their voyage was so far from being done, and yet here he was on deaths door, waiting for it's sweet embrace to claim him and end this suffering that he had been dealt. He wanted to make sure Luffy could make it to the One Piece, but it seemed that he wasn't going to make it that far. 

 

He felt a bit bad for leaving his crew behind like this. But this was beyond his power. He might have been impressive in his time but he was no match for death itself. This was it. A farewell to his crew.

 

Mother... Merry.... he'd be with you both soon.

 

"Ya gonna make it, bro?"

 

The words felt as if they were gently inviting him to the other side. Dying was awful, but at least he was being welcomed in by angels. He had always imagined angels sounded a lot less gruff, but who was he to turn down an invitation to the pearly gates. Some of his favorite people had gruff voices.

 

The only thing that made him feel wary in this situation, was that he was going to heaven. Sure that was great and all, and he had done good things, but he had also done a lot of bad things. That was kinda how the pirate life was. And they had taken down a god before, he was pretty sure that meant that he wasn't going to be invited to their club anymore.

 

Yet there his mother and the Merry waited for him at the other side of those pearly gates. Probably a trap before the floor disappeared from beneath him and he fell all the way down to hell. Or as a spirit to forever wander the seas until he was ready for either. Or something equally as rude.

 

But he spent his life as a pirate, what choice did he have other than take the risk. He felt like he already knew what the worst case scenario would be. Nothing could stop him at this point. What were they gonna do? Something that his masterful brain had already proven right? He was ready. Bring it on. The Great Captain Usopp was ready.

 

He ran towards them, or probably more accurately shambled towards them through this puffy landscape. Maybe his hell was that he was going to be hungover for all eternity. That felt like an awful punishment that could happen to someone. But he had dealt with worse. Way worse. This wasn't going to stop him. He was already there anyways. 

 

"Come on, bro." The gruff angel called. It still felt really weird to hear a voice like that from something so delicate. But who was he to judge. He'd continue towards the gates that lay stretched out before him in all their golden pearly splendor amidst a sea of ankle deep clouds that he had to wade through to get there. 

 

It felt like it was taking an eternity, maybe this was his hell. To be stuck ambling towards the pearly gates with a hangover forever. An even crueler punishment if you asked him. But he wasn't one to give up so easily except those times he did then gave up on giving up. Those didn't count because they were double negatives and thus positives. It was fine.

 

He was actually making progress as now he was close enough to hold out his hands and touch his departed loved ones. He held out his hands to touch them. The bars on the gate were a lot rougher and angular than he previously thought. They were rough on his hand as he brushed them to touch his mothers skin, that was also a lot different than he thought. 

 

He looked away from his mother to see that the bars were now metal, and kinda triangular like Franky's nose. Which was really weird because his nose looked nothing like a bar, that was kinda his own situation.

 

Looking back to his mom to ask if she was seeing this, only to see something that was shocking and made him shriek in surprise, was that where his mom was, was now Franky in the outfit she had been wearing. Not a great look for him at all.

 

"You're just making this harder on yourself, calm down." Franky-mom said in a calm voice that wasn't motherly calm, but almost like that gruff calm that Franky had? And it left him feeling conflicted?

 

Despite being sure that he already had his eyes opened, they opened again. He was back on the ship, and glad how comparatively darker it was there then it was by the pearly gates. The first thing he could see, much like his dream, was Franky but upside down. 

 

"Mom?" His mouth mumbled, before he could stop that mistake from happening.

 

The upside down Franky quirked his eyebrow up at this awful horrible mistake he had just made. Quietly he could hear Brook quietly laughing to himself. He was so glad he heard this.

 

"Uhhh... No? It's Franky? I don’t know your family, but i don’t think I have the right equipment to be your mom." He had barely been awake for a minute and already this day was going bad. No day that started off with talk of dead parent’s genitals ever ended well. "We'll deal with this later, because we got bigger fish to fry." He said, pulling him out of his bed and onto his feet.

 

So he was the one upside down, not Franky. So this probably wasn't a dream. But then again, his death dream seemed pretty real and that was a dream. Why couldn’t this awful reality be one too?

 

“Can’t I just go back to sleep and try again tomorrow?” He whined, longing to be in his bed once more and to open his eyes and this just be a really bad dream.

 

“Now Usopp, your mother and I need all the help we can get.” Brook added in, like the ass that he was. The one good thing about having a really bad hangover was that it meant that his side eye was meaner than ever. 

 

Not like it meant anything to the skeleton, who continued to laugh at his misfortune. At this point it was just a pathetic attempt to cling to any dignity he had left. If nothing else, it was for himself. He’d do his best to ignore him for now. 

 

He groggily got his baring, still not over his headache, still not sure if he was hungry or wanted to barf or both, but he was here nonetheless.

 

"So what's up? Don't tell me I did something awful last night. Did I make a promise I can't keep?" Why did he have to drink the island dry? Now he was going to have to do something awful and probably actually die for real. If he ever met his drunk self, he would fight and kill him himself.

 

"You just kinda did you, you told some stories, sung some songs. Looked like you were having a super good time. Don't worry about it. Drunk you didn't make any promises, but we're more worried about someone's sober promises."

 

He thought it over on what he said before he got wasted yesterday. Because he couldn't think of a promise he was breaking but he might?

 

"Franky I'm to hungover for guessing games, can we just skip me guessing and you just tell me?"

 

"Don't worry, bro. I'll just tell you the situation. Sanji promised that he'd cook the bacon for us, and we got all excited over that, right? Well we all woke up, and there isn't a bit of food prepared, and there isn't a sign of him anywhere."

 

That didn't sound like Sanji at all. He never broke a promise and he was never late to cooking a meal. There was a million things that have gone wrong.

 

"Robin's already searching for him, but we need all hands on deck. She can only search so fast and we need to find him before Luffy gets back and we're all in hot water."

 

"Alright. Sounds serious enough to get out of bed for."

 

As much as he hated to leave Luffy out of important things like this, the idea of him going out to try and help in a search just felt like they'd end up with two lost people instead of one. It was probably the same reason why Zoro wasn't out looking. If he was, then they'd probably be out all day, and have three missing people instead of just one.

 

It was going to be a pain, but he was sure that his sniper eyes would be a great help to the team. Even if they were hungover sniper eyes. He wouldn't be able to check buildings, but he'd be able to look out into the market and around town to see if he was around there somewhere. Odds were he just got drunk and wandered off with the first pair of breasts that found him.

 

With a slap on the back (that he never asked for and gave the shipwright a side eye of his own), they made their way up on deck. Robin was out there, focusing on looking around for any sign of the chef, and Nami and Chopper were deciding on where they were going to head as they ventured into town.

 

"Glad you could join us." Nami sassed, because obviously everyone could drink anyone under the table and walk out of it without a hangover. It was childish, but he did stick his tongue out at her.

 

"So how're things going out here?" Franky asked. 

 

"Well so far we haven't seen him anywhere, but there's a marine ship docked at the other side of the island looks like it might be trouble. I don't think it's spotted us yet, but we need to work fast because it could be really bad news if they catch us." Chopper started. It was really going to suck if they were going to have to sneak onto a marine ship to save him. It would probably be Chopper, Nami, and either Brook or Franky, so at least he had the easy job. 

 

But still none of them were exactly conspicuous except for Nami. He didn't like the idea of one of them sneaking on alone. She was a thief, and numbers made sneaking easy, but it still felt like a bad bet to make in case she got caught. He'd keep this to himself, because then she'd probably do it out of spite. For someone who didn't get honor, she sure had a great grasp on spite.

 

"Yes. Hopefully they haven't already captured Sanji and are torturing him for information." Robin added in the same voice she did whenever she had something absolutely awful to say. There was a moment where they all gave her a horrified look, before deciding that this wasn't a battle they wanted to fight right now. There were more pressing matters than dealing with what was a really sorry excuse for a joke.

 

"So we've decided that we're going to go out into the town and take a look around to see if anyone has seen him at all today." Chopper continued. 

 

"Yes, I'm going to keep my eyes peeled," Brook said, pausing for effect, "but I don't have any! Skull Joke!!!" Unfortunately, there was no Luffy to laugh at the joke.

 

"I'm just trying to lighten the mood a little. At least pity laugh." Brook sulked at the cold reception his joke got. 'At least pity laugh" did get some snorts out of them, so at the very least the skeleton's efforts weren't completely in vain.

 

"Who was the last one of us to see him, I'm sure that that'd be a good place to start." He brought up. It wasn't exactly a massive island, but time wasn't on their side, so the faster they could do this, the better it'd be. 

 

"Well I think I saw him last at the buffet table by Zoro." Chopper said.

 

They all looked around the deck and at each other with the same thought in their heads.

 

It couldn't be.

 

"Zoro's not on the ship, is he." They all looked at Robin.

 

"No. He's not."

 

Silence filled the air as they all thought the same thing. Sanji did find a pair of breasts last night. They were Zoro's. And they did get lost, because sober Zoro was enough of a train wreck when it came to directions. They could be anywhere right now.

 

At the very least if he was with Zoro, it made it a little easier to find him. The bright green hair and the stank would make it easier to find them. Especially because it was a collective stank of Zoro's b.o. and the cocktail of tobacco and cologne that Sanji had to bath in. This felt like it was a fight they could win now. 

 

But this was only if the two of them were still together, and did in fact sneak off to do things to each other. Hopefully those idiots at the very least stayed together if they weren't, and didn't make this an impossible task for them.

 

"Lets split up into teams. Nami, go with Chopper and keep an eye out as he tracks down the scent, Robin and Usopp, you both try and see if you can spot them or trouble from the ship. Brook and I will go and ask around. If you see anything, send out a signal. I'm sure you guys can think of something obvious enough."

 

He was glad he was going to be part of the group that got to stay on the ship. He really didn't want to wander around town like this.

 

"Now lets work super fast, we've only got until Luffy notices before all hell breaks loose and the marines notice. And go!"

 

He know that it was bad to think this way, but he couldn't help but feel with the speed they all ran off with was rubbing in his face how not hungover they were. And how great he felt because of it. 

 

Still, he had to stay strong. His friends were counting on him, and although it wasn’t as much as it was yesterday before the party, it still counted towards something. He didn’t want to, but still he scaled up to the lookout. It was a long way up, but he knew that if he slipped that Robin would catch him. It was scary, but at this point it wasn’t even the scariest thing. 

 

That said one of the scarier things he was going to have to deal with was the marines on the other side of island, and the smell of the weights and old towels that Zoro kept up here. This was a place that was in desperate need of a scrub down, and as much as he hated the thought, he was probably going to have to man up and deal with touching the probably crusty and definitely mildew-y towels.

 

His stomach turned just thinking about it. He just had to not think about those for the time being. There were more important things to deal with right now. He had no time to barf over the poor condition Zoro left his things in. 

 

Like the marine ship. How big was it anyways? He didn't really know what they were up against, because worst case scenario it was a battle ship on its way to somewhere where its needed, but with enough time to stop and try and stomp some pirates. Which they could handle, but they, or at least he wasn't in the best shape to fight them.

 

The best case was that it was a scout ship with some green recruits. Marines that would be too afraid of the reputation that they had gathered over the few months they were out to sea. That way they could get out of there without even being bothered. And when they did get bothered by reinforcements showing up to harass them, at least they'd have an easier time getting out of there since they'd have everyone on the ship.

 

What was probably going to be the actual case if they were a scout ship, is that everyone on board was ready to prove themselves and just in general get in the way of what they were trying to do. It wouldn't be hard, and ships like that usually didn't have that many people on board anyways. They were mostly there to patrol and get an idea on pirates in the area, and get out of there fast. It wouldn't be hard to fend them off, but he was hungover and tired, and just in general had better things to do than fight marines all day.

 

Looking it over, it was hard to tell exactly how big it was. It was pretty far away and there wasn't much to compare it to. If he were to make a guess, he would say that it was probably about the size of the Sunny. Not massive by marine standards, so it was probably just a scout ship. With the luck he was having, it was probably be the second group and just be a big pain in the ass.

 

Luckily, it didn't seem like much was going on the ship, and the others knew better than to make a scene. They just had to hope that Luffy would stay passed out in a meat coma somewhere until they could get Sanji back and get him cooking. 

 

They also had to hope that Sanji and Zoro would stay out of trouble too.

 

He felt it was pretty safe to say that it was only a matter of time before the marines got involved. There was no getting off the island quietly.

\--------------------------------------------------

He honestly didn't want to get up. His head was pounding, his stomach was turning, and he just wanted to lay there a little bit longer. He couldn't remember anything from last night, except for he was pretty sure he had gotten lucky.

 

Or maybe unlucky, considering he was back on the ship. He loved his crew but they weren't really great at setting the mood. It was sorta like trying to get laid on the Baratie, but with less privacy. The fact that he could vaguely remember getting laid had to have been some sort of miracle. Everyone else must've just hung out around town, or were too tired to check around the ship. 

 

He hadn't exactly made it to a bed, but encounters like this didn't really need one. Tables, walls, counters, floors, really anything worked. If anything, it just set the mood and made it more passionate and more taboo feeling. 

 

The only issue was he remembered getting laid, he just didn't remember who it was though. Hopefully she hadn't snuck off already. He'd like to get a good look at her face and perhaps treat her to some breakfast. His crew weren't exactly the most mannerly, but he was sure his cooking would make up for it. 

 

Actually thinking about it, he could faintly feel the body heat of someone next to him. He couldn't wait to see just how beautiful she was.

 

In his mind, he could already see her. Laying next to him, sleeping delicately like the angel she was. She'd open her eyes and look at him and smile. He could feel his heart skipping beats just thinking of her. 

 

Maybe if she was up for it, they could maybe go another round. He could only hope, but perhaps if he really lay on the charm, she'd agree with a delicate little giggle. And seeing as they were mostly sober, it would be so much better now. Sex was a great cure for headaches after all. He wasn't a doctor, but he'd be more than willing to deliver her that cure.

 

"Good morning gorgeous, was it good for-" He started to ask as seductively as a hungover man possibly could as his eyes opened. His words died in his throat as he became more sober than he had ever been in his life. 

 

He stopped the startled shriek that had been ready to burst forth as to not cause a scene. The last thing he needed was for people to come see what had happened. This wasn't the romantic encounter he had in mind at all. He was expecting to have had a passionate, yet tender, evening with a woman. Not a drunk and sloppy fuck like he probably had.

 

Next to him was not a woman sleeping next to him delicately next to him like an angel. Instead where she should be, was Zoro, taking up her spot like an ass, not a single delicate curve to be seen on him, just his gross sweaty body next to him, naked as the day he was born.

 

This wasn't at all what he had wanted. How did this even happen? He didn't like men, he certainly didn't like him of all people. If he had liked men, he would chose someone like himself who at least had a concept of what hygiene was. He hadn't even thought of doing anything like that to him. How could this have even happened?

 

This had to be a bad dream. He'd wake up somewhere in town on him or something. The sex part was something that definitely wouldn't happen. Zoro probably didn't even have feelings like that anyways. This was all just a bad and weird dream.

 

But dream or not, he couldn't risk this being a dream. He needed to put his mind elsewhere. He couldn't just sit around thinking about the possible hiccup in his heterosexuality. Waking up had also given him another reminder, and one that was far more important than this.

 

The sun was already up, and it had to be long past breakfast time already. It'd be no time before Luffy found him in the state he was in and started bothering him for food and drawing attention to this situation. He had to get out of there, and get to the kitchen fast.

 

To make his ruse perfect, he'd have to get completely redressed, and fast. Then he could say that he was too tired to change out of his old clothes, and would shower and change after breakfast. It was a perfect plan. 

 

His clothes were a lot more wrinkled than he would've liked them to be, but carelessly tossed aside and sitting in a heap on the floor was close enough to sleeping in them. They still reeked of booze, but he'd deal with cleaning them later. His pants felt a lot baggier than he remembered, but there wasn't really time to focus on that. It was only distracting him, and was going to get him busted.

 

Zoro could stay there and lay on the floor. He's seem him sleep in much worse conditions, so it didn't matter. It'd only make it more obvious that he had been in there if he threw his clothes on top of him or something. Besides, he didn't have time for that.

 

He rushed out the door the best he could. He was still all light headed and sore from drinking and sleeping on the floor. He could just ignore this, and do his best not to gag. The issue was the sound of his own gagging was only making him gag more.

 

He had to take a moment to lean against the wall, close his eyes and press his fist against his lips. He wasn't sure why something like that helped so much, but it might've saved his life. This was the difference between making it in time to make breakfast, and getting busted. He didn't have time to question what had just saved his life.

 

There was no time to just stay there like that, no matter how much he wanted to, so he continued on his way. The worst part of being hungover had to be it made even simple things like going to the kitchen feel longer. It had to be the fact that he had to keep stopping to collect himself so he wouldn’t vomit right then and there on the ship. That was really the only explanation.

 

He wasn’t happy when he got to the kitchen and surveyed it. Some funny business had to have gone down last night, because his whole kitchen was moved around. Looks like he wasn’t the only one who got stupid drunk last night. He’d be sure to kick the information out of those shit heads later. 

 

But he wouldn’t be a chef worth his salt if something like this was going to throw him off his game. He’d been done worse by better pranksters. They’d still get their shit kicked in, but this wasn’t something he wouldn’t be able to handle. The joke was really on them, because the longer it was going to take him to find things to cook with, the longer it was going to take them to get breakfast.

 

Though they were nothing if not effective. It was like they had managed to completely remodel the kitchen overnight, moving every little thing he had hidden in there. He was a little impressed and a little worried about the cost. He was hoping that some of this new equipment was stolen, or else Nami would (and rightfully so) throw them all overboard. And he would drown the for lumping him in with them.

 

Though that stressful note, he needed a smoke. He slide his hands down the side of pants to get to his pocket, only to topple his hungover self over because he ended up going farther than he expected. He couldn’t have missed his pockets. He’s done this a million times at least. 

 

Whatever. He was obviously still to out of it to deal with this. He’d just grab one from the pack he kept in the kitchen. Usually he kept one by the sink, but with everything moved around by a group of reckless and probably drunk assholes, who the hell knew where anything was anymore. 

 

This was starting to stress him out even more. Fine, whatever, they had done a good job of pranking him. Would it count as a prank if he kicked them so hard that they switched faces? Because right now that was his plan.

 

Whatever. 

 

Right now he would just focus on cooking, then grab a pack from his locker later. It wasn’t that big a deal. All it was was fucking pissing him off, but he’d be fine as soon as he had a cigarette between his lips again. His vengeance would be soon enough.

 

At least he still had something great to work with today. There were some nice eggs and milk that he had seen on the island, and had just made some bread just before they docked. A nice simple breakfast felt right. He could make a few different style of egg, some toast, french toast, maybe some hash browns. Nothing too extravagant. He didn’t want anything to outshine the star of this breakfast. A gift, but a great one at that. It was probably the best looking bacon he had ever seen.

 

He had seen it earlier when they got to the island, and even had a chance to sample some. It had a natural smokey flavor with a delicate kick of heat. It seemed to get a nice crispy texture pretty easily, and he was sure that even as its being inhaled, that it’d be impossible to miss the taste and texture of it. It was more of an issue of making sure everyone gets a taste. The elephant tuna incident was not going to be happening again here. He’d make sure of it.

 

Or at least he was hoping it wouldn’t happen again. He froze as he finally took in the most horrifying detail in the kitchen. The bare fridge sat there, staring him down mockingly this whole time. He had wanted to smoke, but this was not what his meant. He could feel his hair standing on edge as his whole body felt like it was jumping up in degrees. The pain was ignored in favor of the seething rage he felt at the moment. He knew exactly who had done this, and even if he hadn’t been the one to redecorate his kitchen, he was still going to kick that rubber bastard’s ass so hard it was going to fall out of his goddamn mouth.

 

Even with all the blows that had been dealt to breakfast, he was still going to carry on with what he had. It wouldn’t be the great breakfast he was envisioning yesterday when they had been gifted that beautiful slab, but what kind of cook would he be if he couldn’t manage to work with what he still had.

 

Surprisingly enough, while a lot of what was in the fridge was different, there was still food in there. Which was odd especially after a Luffy strike. He must’ve been caught and they must’ve replaced the food in there. Which was nice, but didn’t make him any less pissed about the situation. But as far as groceries went, they had done a pretty decent job.

 

Maybe instead of the bacon they were going to have, he could make a fruit salad. It wouldn’t have the grease to cook the hashbrowns in to give them a little extra flavor, but at the same time he could always redirect the disappointment that would’ve been pointed at him, into rage they could all mutually feel towards Luffy. 

 

The bread in the pantry was different. They were pre sliced loaves, and none of them were appropriate for french toast. He could do it, it just wouldn’t be to the standard that most of his crew deserved and at this point expected. He could keep the toast, but he’d simply do pancakes instead.

 

At the very least the eggs were right, and there were still potatoes in the pantry. Everything else may have been moved, subpar, or wrong, but at least that chunk of breakfast was largely unchanged. The hashbrowns weren’t going to be as great as they were intended to be, but that was nothing a little seasoning couldn’t fix.

 

God he wished he had a cigarette right now.

 

The pans all looked different than how they were supposed to, and even a quick look at the pots showed that they were different too. How much effort did they put into this stupid prank? It was like every last detail in his kitchen was changed. What the hell?

 

They even changed his good knives around what the hell. They had better still have those somewhere or he’d have to think of something awful when he was more awake, not hungover, and when he had a cigarette or three.

 

But whatever. He could still work with this, then kick the answers out of those shit heads later. And they had better have answers, because he was fucking pissed. He was still going to make breakfast, because he did have a job to do, and just because those idiots were going to throw a wrench in basically everything he was going to do, wasn’t a good enough excuse for him not to do it.

 

Needless to say, compared to what he had planned the day before, it fell kinda flat. But given that he was hungover and had a million goddamn obstacles, he would say he didn’t do to bad. It wasn’t the best, but it was a pretty good short notice breakfast. Maybe the food had a little more fruit and a lot less meat than most of them would’ve liked, but the blame fell on Luffy and Luffy alone. He had been the one to break in and eat their breakfast before it was even made.

 

But speaking of Luffy, he snapped to face the door as he heard the door start to open. Now armed with his rage induced sobriety, he was going to teach that shitty rubber man a lesson. He was the only one that could possibly be in his kitchen right now at this hour. Especially considering most of the crew was probably still too hungover at this point to do much of anything.

 

First he’d get a warning kick. One that would come close enough to his shitty rubber face to hopefully scare enough sense into him to go make this right somehow. He didn’t care how. Luffy just had to make this right in a way that wasn’t him vomiting back up the slab of bacon.

 

However he was met by something else that was arguably worse. Zoro was the one who came in, and always ready for a spar, he blocked it with ease. What made it awful wasn’t that he blocked it. It was how he blocked it. Instead of the swords like he was expecting, it was what he was going to assume was the swordsman’s underwear, that for one reason or another, he was carrying.

 

The sound he made, was perhaps more feminine and shrill than he would’ve liked, but at the same time this was far grosser than he would have liked. These were probably underwear that were on his sweaty ass just the night before. He wasn’t sure if cold was worse than warm, because one meant fresh sweat and the other was old sweat. 

 

His shriek was followed by some gagging as the swordsman finally did something that a not total shit fuck would do. And that was to free the bare and exposed ankle that had been snared in his underwear that he had snagged him with in the first place. He didn’t miss the amused snort the swordsman gave. He may not have been a total shit fuck, but that didn’t mean he was out of that ball park.

 

Now free, Sanji stumbled back a few steps, putting some distance between them and leaning on the counter for support. He needed a moment to collect himself before he could properly react to any of this. He had been caught off guard enough by it being Zoro who came in through the door, but the underwear was just too much. 

 

“Ya gonna make it?” Zoro mocked, twirling the underwear he was carrying by the waistband. 

 

“Why the fuck are you carrying around underwear?! What is wrong with you, you shitty pervert?” It felt like a fair enough first question.

 

“I dunno. Why did you drop ‘em in the hallway?” Zoro snarked back.

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

 

“Oh, and that reminds me.” Zoro dug into his pockets and tossed him a different pair of underwear, a pack of cigarettes, and his lighter. “These are yours.”

 

He looked at the swordsman closer, in case he was going to throw anything else at him. His face crinkled up when he saw one of his nicer shirts crammed carelessly into the swordsman’s waistband as if it were some sort of rag. It was really no surprise to see Zoro’s shirt shoved there next to it. At least he treated both their clothes equally. It wasn’t better, but it certainly wasn’t worse. He could see his shoes tied and dangling over one of Zoro’s sword hilts. At least those were being handled with care.

 

His attention shifted back to what he was thrown. He carefully inspected the boxers that were now in his hands. These were definitely his. They were too nice to be anyone else’s. And he vaguely remembered picking those ones out yesterday morning.

 

“Follow up question, why the fuck do you have my underwear. How the hell do you even know it’s mine?!”

 

“Well they were in your pants, so I’m assuming that they’re yours. Also for as tight as your pants look, they’re actually pretty roomy.”

 

“First of all, of course they are idiot, I fight with kicks, and secondly how the hell would you know?”

 

“Well you grabbed my pants when you left, what else did I have to wear?” Zoro shrugged. 

 

This suddenly made these pants make a lot more sense. They were loose and didn’t feel like the same material at all. It made him feel a little like an idiot as soon as Zoro pointed it out.

 

Embarrassed, he lit a cigarette. This would help calm his nerves and help him think. Not having a cigarette this morning and also being hungover was to blame for all this. Things would be a lot clearer from here on out.

 

“Since we’re asking questions, I got one for you.” Already Sanji could feel that this was going to be awful, and probably something about last night. He didn’t have answers, but he was ready for it. “Why did you make breakfast in a marine kitchen?”

 

He took a moment to stop and to take in his surroundings. He didn’t really look around that much when he got in there. He was more preoccupied with making breakfast and thinking that those idiots had just messed with his stuff. It never actually occurred to him that maybe the ship he was on wasn’t theirs, and that his stuff was fine at home and he was the one that was misplaced.

 

Looking around he could see that there was in no way that they could have changed this much overnight. Franky might’ve been talented, but no amount of beer or convincing would make him do such drastic changes, and Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp just didn’t have the skills to do it. He wasn’t sure if it was more embarrassing that he didn’t figure it out himself, or of all people it was Zoro to point it out. 

 

He was so taken aback by his own stupidity that his cigarette nearly fell out of his mouth. God this wasn’t a mistake that he’d make, this was definitely going to be the last time he ever got that drunk. He might’ve slept with one of the sweatiest muscle heads out there, was standing in the wrong kitchen in the wrong pants, holding a pack of smokes, a lighter, and his underwear, and his dignity was nowhere in sight.

 

Before he could make a witty counterpoint so he could save a little face and not look like a complete idiot, the actual occupants of the ship started awkwardly standing in the doorway behind Zoro. There was a little comfort in knowing that they were also in the spot they were, in that they had no idea what to make of this situation.

 

They stood there in silence, the marines unsure of whether to grab their weapons or not, and them standing there until they decided.

 

“So you decided if you’re gonna go eat or kick our asses yet? My buddy here’s an idiot and lead us onto the wrong ship. Woke up and thought he was on our ship and made breakfast. Probably more than enough to go around.” Zoro lazily pointed his thumb at the food. 

 

“Actually if you’re going to kick our asses, could you hold on a minute? I wanna kick his ass first.”

 

“Sorry, you’re too hungover and look to ridiculous to fight.” Zoro jeered. The marines behind him looked uncomfortable and confused.

 

“I look ridiculous? You were the one that came in here twirling your underwear!”

 

“At least I knew where I was.”

 

“Hey consider this: fuck off.”

 

“Heeeeeey now.” Some marine interjected, ending the confrontation and effectively removing them from the other’s throat. Probably for the best considering this outfit wasn’t the best for kicking, and he was biting down on his cigarette so hard that the filling was starting to spill out a little into his mouth. The marine looked a lot more unsure of himself now that both pirates were glaring him down for interrupting. 

 

Just imagine how intimidated he’d be if he actually knew how strong he was and that his bounty was greatly underselling his skill and looks. His should be at least twice what that jackass is worth. Though at the same time, he still wasn’t at his best right now and that was probably obvious to everyone.

 

“How about we make you a deal?” The marine asked as he continue to retract into himself like a turtle. 

 

“What did you have in mind?” Zoro asked, probably looking more intimidating with his higher bounty and obvious weapons. It personally seemed a little much to him, but that was neither here nor there and more of a preference on his part, considering he just had to rely on how he carried himself to do it but if Zoro needed swords to do it that was his own problem. 

 

Regardless of what he himself thought, the marines seemed to find him pretty intimidating. The scaredy cat marine swallowed audibly before continuing on speaking for his group, trying to stand up tall to not look afraid of the two before him despite their numerical advantage.

 

“If we just let you go, will you get off our ship?” Which was an oddly reasonable request. Normally marines wanted pirates on their ship because they tended to be easier to arrest that way. Was this just such an odd happenstance for all of them that they just got confused?

 

It caught Zoro off guard too, which was a pretty hard thing to do so he had to give them props for that one. Him and Zoro just stared at each other for a second, wordlessly questioning if this was a thing that was actually happening, or if they were both still asleep somewhere and this was just a really weird dream.

 

“Uhh… I guess?” He more asked then said. This whole situation was just uncomfortable and weird. It probably wasn’t a dream, and he was going to be forever known as the pirate that made them breakfast that one time. 

 

Him and Zoro awkwardly shuffled through the crowd of marines that did their best to part for them to get through. At least it was mutually weird for all of them, and it was overall the same experience for everyone.

 

“Enjoy your breakfast.” He had to add, not helping this situation any.

 

“You two.” 

 

The awkward circle was now complete. The marines avoided eye contact with the two shirtless pirates that snuck on, probably banged, then made breakfast on their ship without them knowing. He couldn’t really blame them. As awkward as it was for him, he’d hate to be on that ship right now. Even if it did mean his feet weren’t on cold, dusty cobblestone right now.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t get us lost again. I already memorized the layout of this island.” Zoro boasted. He rolled his eyes and fixed his cigarette.

 

“I thought we wanted to go back to our ship, not walk in a big circle and wander back to the marine ship. It was bad enough leaving once, I don’t wanna do it a second time.”

 

“Hey I wasn’t the one that got us lost, remember?”

 

“I don’t, actually. Probably because I wasn’t the one turning to a drunk man for directions, remember?”

 

The sputter he got in retaliation was too good. It meant that he had won this one. Zoro couldn’t talk himself out of the hole he just dug for himself. He could see himself struggle to find a good retort, but couldn’t because he was just dealt a death blow.

 

“At least I’m not the one with stupid shaped eyebrows!”

 

“At least I’m not the one with the stupid coloured hair!”

 

Their argument was cut short once more as he stepped on something that almost made him slip and fall over.

 

“You’re still falling over yourself, you’re sure you can take us back to the ship?” Zoro mocked as Sanji looked down to see what exactly it was he slipped on. 

 

He froze looking down at what was under his foot. His reaction had to be enough to get Zoro to shut up and look too. 

 

On the ground right now was what was going to give them away and keep them from sneaking onto the ship quietly. What was on the ground under his feet was probably going to launch them at the ship as loudly and as painfully as possible. And that was their captain.

 

It was like stepping on a landmine, except this was one that could go off anyways. He looked at Zoro, who stared back at him, knowing they were both screwed if he woke up. He didnèt have as much on the line, but it was never fun being launched from one side the island to the other, and then possibly pulling the captain out of the ocean. This was going to have to be done with the most care he had ever put into anything.

 

Moving as slowly as he possibly could, Sanji lifted his foot. If he did this carefully, Luffy wouldn’t notice the warm foot leaving his face. If he didn’t notice, they could get away with this no problem.

 

He placed his foot on the ground, and closed his eyes hoping for the best. Just this one time, he want Luffy to not notice him trying to sneak off. Just let this be the one time that it worked.

 

A quiet groan came from behind them where Luffy was. Fuck. Fuck shit shit shit.

 

“Sanji? Zoro? What’re you guys doing here?”

 

“We’re not here. This is just a dream, go back to sleep.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be making breakfast right now? I think it’s morning.” Luffy mumbled, showing off just how much his listening skills didn’t change from when he was awake or asleep. 

 

“We were just going to go do that, you just lay back down and sleep.”

 

But Luffy was still Luffy. He wasn’t listening at all. Already he was getting up, and both he and Zoro already knew it wasn’t worth the effort to fight back against this, nor was it worth it to run. They had already accepted their fate, even if they knew it really sucked. 

 

Rubber arms tightly coiled around them, it was a feeling they both knew way too well. They were already braced for landing either in the water, or on something hard.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get us there really quick.” Luffy promised, while not making a lie, just leaving out how much it was going to suck for people with non-rubber bodies. 

 

There was no escape, and soon they were rocketing through the air. There was nothing to do but just accept what was happening and hope that it’d be all over soon. All hopes of getting on the ship without anyone noticing had found his dignity and both of them fucked right off and were gone completely. 

 

While that hope was dead, there was one redeeming factor in all this. While they had been flying through the air, and everything was going to shit, Robin had made them a net of arms to catch them. Not only did they avoid being thrown against the deck or into the ocean and have to save Luffy, but they were caught by an angel and her soft soft arms.

 

He went to sing her praises about how great a job she had done catching them, but the embarrassment caught up with him, and for once thought it was better to just stay quiet. Luffy had already fallen back asleep, and he was sitting there in her arms in Zoro’s pants, and Zoro was sitting there in his. She smiled at him knowingly and he kinda wished she’d just let him fall into the sea.

 

“I should probably get started on breakfast.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue that's a prologue
> 
> Because time is fake and so is having your ideas in order

 

He’d be the first to admit that he was maybe more than a little tipsy. He underestimated the brew, and he was maybe more buzzed than he would’ve liked. It was a little impressive, but this was a party. And this island knew how to party.

 

In his opinion, it outweighed the deed they had done, because he barely had to put in any effort to take down his opponent, and he left the fight completely unscathed. There was probably someone on the island who could’ve done it, but the party was already in full swing. Nothing was stopping it now, especially with his crew fanning the flames. It’d probably last until morning.

 

Actually, he took that back. With the rate those lightweights were going, it’d be over in a few hours. Usopp looked way past wasted, he caught Franky adding rum to his cola bottles on occasion, and who knew where Sanji was, but he threw back every drink a girl brought him. He found himself watching Brook, because he couldn’t help but be curious if he could get drunk. He was busy between music for them to dance to, and dramatic ambiance to help the drunken ramblings of their sniper.

 

From what he could hear over the roar of the party, he could use the help. The drunker he got, the less believable and less coherent his stories got. Which was impressive, because his stories were some of the least believable things he had ever heard. At least his audience didn’t seem to care. Both Luffy and Chopper were naive enough to believe any of his stories, or at least find them interesting enough to care.

 

It was pretty much common practice at this point to watch Luffy alternate between gorging himself on meat, then dancing with Chopper, Franky, and Usopp. It was interesting to see that they had decided to add stories into the mix. 

 

Nami was also busy scamming locals by joining drinking contests and drinking them all under the table. Hopefully this meant that they’d have some cash for at least a little while. Knowing her, she was probably sneaking a wallet or two. Robin was doing the same thing he was, enjoying a drink and just watching the madness unfurl. 

 

Things were going pretty smoothly, and with Robin out here watching to make sure that this didn’t turn into a repeat of Whiskey Peeks, he could probably afford to turn in. Robin was more than capable of getting things under control, and it wasn’t like everyone else was past the point of no return. Usopp maybe, but everyone else seemed fine.

 

He’d probably have another beer then head back to the ship. It was deceptively strong, and while it’d be great to get wasted, he wasn’t going to let his guard down so easily. He had no intentions of getting fooled a second time. Though he’d make a mental note to maybe bring a keg with them. It wouldn’t be the best idea to do it out at sea, but there was no better place to get plastered than from the safety of your own home.

 

As he finished off his last beer of the evening, he was certainly aware that he might’ve been a little drunk. This was his own fault for underestimating the brew, but at the same time he had made a good call on stopping there. 

 

It was probably a good point to call it a night anyways. The party was starting to slow as people were getting too tired to dance and either too drunk to try to out drink Nami or got wise to her tricks and stopped. Usopp had shifted from story drunk to crying drunk and was now softly weeping into Franky’s arms.

 

Still no sign of the cook anywhere. Which was odd considering there wasn’t a shortage of women about. The idiot must’ve passed out somewhere. He could handle himself, Sanji didn’t need him to go out and look for him. Besides, he wasn’t his damn babysitter. He was a grown ass man, and hungover or not, he’d have the problem solving skills to get back to the ship.

 

He stretched and left his spot. There didn’t seem to be anywhere to put his cup, so he’d just leave it on the cluttered table where it was. It’d be dealt with later and was no longer his problem. 

 

As he was walking back to the ship, he couldn’t help but notice someone following him. He’d keep his guard up, but he was drunk enough to give them the benefit of a doubt. Maybe someone was just on their way home, and their house was by the docks. They did just save their island, they didn’t seem to be so ungrateful as to spit in their kindness like that. 

 

The walk back to the ship seemed longer than he remembered, but he wasn’t so drunk as to forget the way. He was probably just longing for his bed, or the soft grass on the Sunny so it felt longer than it was.

 

And the figure was still followed him. He was being nice for the first little bit, but now it was just getting out of hand. He stopped and turned, his hands gripping his swords. They stopped before they were fully drawn once he saw who was following him.

 

“What the fuck. I was just trying to follow you back to the ship. What’s your problem even?” Sanji sassed more so than he asked.

 

“I don’t see how this is my fault. Why are you following me anyways? I thought I was bad at finding my way back?”

 

“You are, I just think you’re not stupid enough to forget the way back to the ship where we live. I’m just following you cause I wanna hook up?” He was kinda expecting the backhanded compliment, but the second part not so much.

 

“Hook up, as in have sex?”

 

“What other kind is there.”

 

“And you wanna hook up with me?”

 

“Who else is out here?”

 

He thought about it for a moment. Before joining the crew he had had more than his fair share of casual sex. Hook ups didn’t mean anything, and when it came down to it, Sanji wasn’t unfuckable. Sex just this one time wouldn’t be some earth shattering change. He wasn’t expecting something like this from Sanji, but whatever. He could go for some sex.

 

“Sure, why not.” He shrugged. Sanji perked up.

 

“Nice!” There was probably a room on the ship he could take him and they wouldn’t be bothered.

 

It was a little weird to have Sanji hang off him like this. It was way too affectionate than he’d like, but it wasn’t too long. Maybe this was just how he treated everyone he wanted to bang? Hopefully once he got it out of his system it would all go back to normal.

 

The crows nest felt like the right place to go. It felt just out of the way enough so that no one would bug them, and that meant they could properly bang without Sanji screaming at the door opening like he did when he was caught jerkin it.

 

He wasn’t really much for foreplay, and from the looks of it, neither was Sanji as he was already disrobing the moment the door was shut. He shrugged it off and got undressed.

 

“So you got lube, right?” Even if he was a little drunk, neither of them were gonna use spit lube. It hurt like a motherfucker for both parties and even if he was naked he was gonna do sweet fuck all until there was lube.

 

“No but I got some fuck.” It was in that instance, everything became crystal clear. Memories of watching woman after woman bring Sanji drinks rushed back to him.

 

“Yeah, I think we’re done here. You’re way too drunk to do this.”

 

“Wh-no I’m n- You’re the one that’s drunk here.” The cook slurred. Looking back, he’d actually been slurring the whole time, but it was only now that he noticed. Maybe it was the extra whine that made it more obvious.

 

“No we’re both drunk. You’re just lost cause drunk.” The cook had no retort for that apart from stammered whines and drunk foot stomping. “If you wake up tomorrow, and you find lube and still wanna fuck, I’ll give you your fuck. But you’re too drunk.”

 

He sat the cook down, who flailed away at his hands the moment they touched his shoulders to sit him down. He held him close and ignored the slaps he was receiving. It felt dirty pulling this trick, but if it worked on Luffy, maybe it’d work here?

 

To be fair, it was probably mostly the booze at play here, but the chef did fall asleep. By this point he was ready to sleep himself. To protect the cook’s fragile ego, he’d set him next to him so they weren’t cuddling. Sanji could dress himself in the morning, he was a big boy and didn’t need him to do it for him. His own clothes were already off and he couldn’t be bothered to put them back on. Sleeping next to another man with no clothes on wasn’t going to be the end of the world. 

 

Though as he was dozing off, he could but snort. 

 

Sanji was gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.


End file.
